The Defining Decade: A Book Review

The Defining Decade by Meg Jay

I started reading this book as a result of a conversation I was having with two friends. One, an elderly friend who was encouraging me about life and offering well-thought advice about life. The other, a younger friend who is the same age as me and was asking me about how to discover his purpose. His one phrase that I couldn’t forget is, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life”. That was brutal honesty on a scale that is rare, but that’s true for many people.

This is a book about Twenty-something- year old. The basic conclusion is to make the best of your 20s for they are the most defining decades of your life. In the twenties, the author proves by research, a person’s attitude crystallizes and their ambitions become concrete. The twenties are the last years between being a child and being an adult. Whatever is not resolved in the twenties can become a problem.

She argues that the twenties are the best years to figure out what your ambitions are, form concrete relationships even marry, and they are the best years to start a family. Advocates of “you only live once” make us believe that one should chase their dream, live recklessly and not bother about the future. Meg Jay has another proposition. She says yes you can have a fun and fabulous life, at the same time it can be a life that is conscious of the years ahead. Life doesn’t end with the 20s, it continues to probably 80. A lot of the decisions we make are made without the consciousness that we will still be here for a long time.

She shares a story of two conversations she was having at the same time with two people. One a 40-year-old man and the other a 20+-year-old woman. The 40 years old man was full of regret, and the 20+ years old was full of ambitions and recklessness. She slept with everyone she met, she believed it didn’t matter, and she didn’t care whether she was going to get her certs or not. According to Meg, she realized that the problem was the 20+-year-old woman could not imagine her life beyond 20+. I absolutely agree. I’ve seen this in people. Young people lack the imagination to think of their lives beyond now. They don’t attempt to think about where they will be in 40 years from now. In 30 years. In 10 years. Or in 5 years.

This book talks about several things, the one thing it doesn’t do is tell you what you should do with your life. In fact, no one should tell you that. But it talks about building relationships, trying out things, getting an education, defining relationships, goals, and then just going on with life. The truth is, like Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backward but it must be lived forwards”.

The last recommendation from the book is the most important of all. Think about what you want to be 20 years from now or 30 years from now. Billionaire? Doctor? Lawyer? Nurse? A CEO? Father? Mother? Whatever. Now, walk backward. What do you need to get to that person you want to be?

Or ask “Where do I want to be 20 years from?”. Now, walk backward and form a full framework to get there.

A successful life is not coincidental. It is true, coincidences shape a lot of our lives, but they don’t make a successful life.

If you are in your twenties, this is a book for you. If you are above twenty, this is a book for you too, at least, you should know so you can tell others.

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I now know, your life purpose isn’t something you stumble upon in one moment. It develops. As you develop.