Book Review: Stay True by Hua Hsu

Some books send you on a journey.

Some books send you on a journey. A journey of reassessing yourself. They force you to dig deep down within yourself, extract the past and look at it all over again. That's what this book did for me.

Stay True is a memoir by Hua Hsu, a Chinese American who befriended a Japanese American, Ken. Ken and Hua became friends over music and literature. Their friendship was built over love for the same kind of books and music. Hua describes the CDs and books with a descriptive power beyond any I've ever read. Their friendship was deep; they shared their lives and made memories together.

And then, one day, Hua is told that Ken is dead. Ken was kidnapped by some thieves, robbed, and then killed. The events shattered Hua, and he struggled with understanding Ken’s death for the rest of his life. He struggled to make sense of Ken's death. It took him many years to come to terms with it, and only with the help of a therapist.

I had not read any summary or synopsis when I began reading this book. I would have avoided it. Hua's memoirs triggered my memories of all the tragedies I've witnessed.

Like Hua, I had lost a bosom friend while in Secondary School. Levi was a classmate who had great admiration for me. I was always amongst the top in class; I was the Senior Prefect (Head Boy) and enjoyed some popularity in school. Levi told me that for a long time, he had wanted to get close and be a friend but couldn't because he didn't understand how we could become friends at all. While in SSS 2, Levi was diagnosed with a sickness I still don't know the details about. He was in and out of school for a long period. We thought he wouldn't make it. Miraculously, Levi survived. He returned to school, and we proceeded to SSS3. It was in SSS3 that I became friends with Levi. Levi moved to my room; we shared the same bed, shared our food, and shared our lives. We were a nonchalant lot; we would dare school rules and get away with it. He was smallish in structure, and I was thin, but we had the confidence of The Rock. He had these big drugs he was required to take. I saw my whole life as a life meant to help Levi take those drugs. In short, I saw my existence as a mission to ensure Levi correctly consumed those drugs. These drugs affected Levi's hair. In secondary school, having hair was a symbol; your hairstyle was a sign of rebellion. We allowed our hair to grow tall and intentionally refused to cut it. Why? We wanted to be fashionable. Levi could not enjoy this privilege. It provoked him to no end. As the true idiot I was, I always ensured to make jest of Levi over his hair whenever the opportunity arose. It was a point of mocking that we both accepted. I will do the mocking, and we both laugh about it. I will pick a comb to brush my hair, do it nicely, and approach Levi with the comb. “Levi, take and comb your hair. Oh, you don't have hair". We would laugh over this.

Levi had an express pass to always leave school for treatment due to his sickness. He was regularly in and out of school. One day, Levi left school for treatment.

He never returned again.

I refused to hear the news directly that Levi had died. I avoided it. I refused to believe that Levi was dead. I refused to attend his funeral. I still cannot comprehend that Levi, my young friend, was dead. Although Levi was sick for a long period, I was simply unprepared. Although we acknowledged that it was difficult for him to make it, I did not consciously accept it. Levi was too young to die. The last few months we spent together were intense periods of friendship. With Levi, we broke every rule we could break, and we lived life to the fullest. There was no hint that death was coming for my friend.

The first time I experienced the pain of death was when my mother died. The second time was the death of Levi. I have classified Levi's death in a mental folder that I kept different from that of my mum. Levi's death is the one topic I hated to talk about. This is the first time I am doing so. For years, I preferred to think of those months as months that did not happen at all. Remembering the friendship we shared and the youngness of Levi makes me want to have a conversation with the universe, with God, and to ask for redemption. I don't want an explanation. I don't want a replacement. I don't want anything besides my Levi in all that he was.

For a brief period, I mulled the idea of someday establishing a hospital in his honor and having it boldly placed “Levi Matawal’s Memorial Hospital.” It will be a hospital where excellence is the watchword. Do you know why Levi died? It turns out that Levi died because of all those years of treatment and big drugs; Levi was being treated for a disease he did not have. On the other hand, the real disease he had continued to eat him. It was only in the last few weeks of his life that this was realized.

How can they be this stupid? How could they have been so careless over my friend? How could they not take care of this wonderful, amazing person?

Levi had this playful “girlfriend” named Faith. She was big and had another real boyfriend, but Levi was like a pet to her. She would joke with him often that he was her small husband. Levi did not tell her, but he was flattered. After some time, he fell for it. He began to love her as though she was his real girlfriend. On some nights when she was with her real boyfriend, Levi would return ranting to me. Once in a while, he would tell me in the hostel that he would confront her and ask her to make things serious. We would go for preps in the evening, and 3 hours later, we would return to the hostel. Did he? No. Levi was never a courageous person when it came to issues of the heart. He was a boy for whom the world of women was still a mystery, just like the rest of us.

Levi was just a sweet boy. He should be alive enjoying the gifts of the “outer world,” as they told us.

In Stay True, Hua has shown me how to honor a true friend. Hua has honored a friend whom they met over literature. The best gift for a life devoted to words is to become words; Ken has become words in this memoir.

This book tore me. But I would reread it some years from today. Maybe you will enjoy it too.

In friendship and life, Stay True, My Friend.